January 2013 #3: How Not To Feed a Burger to a Stray Dog
1. Welcome to the latest edition of the Summary of Mishaps, four more chapters from that epic, written-in-blood masterpiece, “Learning the Hard Way.”
A. An E-4 from a cruiser was waiting for a bus outside an air station overseas. She was, according to the mishap report, “feeding a hamburger and fries to a stray dog.” She thought the dog seemed “friendly and approachable.”
On the face of it, this seems to be a harmless pastime while awaiting public transportation. Americans eat millions of burgers and millions of pounds of fries every year. Surely a hungry stray would also find these menu selections delicious. But things aren’t always quite as easy as they seem, especially in the twisted world of the Friday Funnies.
The E-4 dropped part of the hamburger bun. She reached down to retrieve it. The dog, perhaps sensing that part of its meal was about to be withdrawn, promptly bit the hand that had been feeding it.
I’ve seen dogs eat truly disgusting things, and I can guarantee that this pooch wouldn’t have minded picking up the bun up from the ground. The E-4 had been “instructed earlier in deployment not to feed stray animals,” the report said. Had to learn the hard way, I guess.
B. In this week’s “I Don’t Think So” department, we have an E-3 logistics specialist on a carrier who was changing a light bulb. Been there, done that, but this was somewhat more complicated than your mark 1, mod 0 household task, because he had to screw a threaded fastener into a junction box as part of the drill.
Not to worry, because the report said that he said the “power was secured.”
So he was extra-surprised when he got shocked.
C. Just before midnight, a construction electrician third class fell down some stairs and cut his head.
Why hadn’t he been able to keep his balance? Because he was blotto. And why was he blotto? Because he had been celebrating his birthday, and had been “given free drinks by passers-by and several co-workers without any of them accounting for his level of intoxication,” the report explained.
Boy, that’s the gift that keeps on giving, isn’t it? Time at an emergency room, medical expenses, scars, a chance at a DUI. Thanks for nothing.
D. We haven’t had a good old kitchen grease fire for a while, and I was sort of hoping we’d eliminated that hazard, but I guess not.
Note that when I say “good old,” I mean from the point of view of fodder for the Summary of Mishaps, not from the point of view of the family whose cabinets were scorched, whose food was ruined, whose tile got melted, whose first floor smells like smoke and whose family member had to rush to the burn unit.
Seems an aviation structural mechanic third class got involved when his wife and daughter told him that there was a fire in their kitchen, starring a pan that was blazing away in the sink. The Sailor then “beat out some of the fire with his bare hands,” carried the pan outside and chucked it into the yard.
The Sailor’s wife explained that their cat had knocked over a candle to start the fire, and then she (the wife, not the cat) had made things worse by running some water on the blaze, a technique that produces some spectacular effects that are more along the lines of fire expansion rather than fire suppression.
Cats and candles? Not recommended. Water on a grease fire? Not recommended. Fighting fire with bare hands? Not recommended. That’s three ways to have avoided missing two days of work and spending 19 days on light duty.
2. That’s all for this week, amigos. I didn’t have to think up a closing for this week, because I saw a great one on a bumper sticker on the car in front of me as I was driving home last night: “Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.”
January 2013 #2: Why Adult Supervision Was Required (and Unavailable)
Got a Funnies-worthy yarn? Need to get something off your chest? Send us your feedback: email@example.com
If you have a question about some of our odd terminology, become an insider by studying up on our Glossary. And if you have even more time to kill, check out the exhibit list from the Summary of Mishaps Museum.
Subscribe to Summary of Mishaps -- Email your request and mailing address to firstname.lastname@example.org