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March 2015, #3: Anger Mismanagement, Episodes 71 and 72
1. Welcome to the latest edition of the summary of mishaps, another quartet of episodes in which someone qualifies for membership in DENSA, which is our version of MENSA, except that MENSA is for people who are in the top two percent of the population in intelligence, and DENSA members appear to be… well, you get the picture.
A. A Marine E-2 food service specialist was listening to his music player while cleaning in the mess hall. Not a problem, par for the course, I rarely see anyone under 30 these days who isn’t sporting ear buds. They’re so common that we now have a universal gesture (touch thumbs and fingertips, raise hands to ears and move outward a few inches) to signify, “Hey, I’m trying to talk to you!”).
He sloshed some water on his music player. This made him so mad that he slammed his right forearm onto a door and broke a glass panel. His reward for this rash act was that he could start spilling blood on his music player.
B. And while we’re on the subject of steam escaping from ears, here’s another Friday Funnies one-liner, those gems of mishap reportage that require no further commentary. This time, we feature a Sailor who “was upset about work and released anger by punching a bulkhead.”
I’m pretty sure they meant “tried to release,” unless swapping pain for anger was the goal. If so, did it work? Inquiring minds want to know. .
C. An E-5 was riding his motorcycle in a parking lot on base in California. He lost control and got flung off. What, you ask, was he doing to produce this painful and expensive outcome? He was “accelerating over a speed bump and gave too much throttle,” the report said. He had “stood up off seat to prepare” for the speed bump.
Is that what speed bumps are for? To accelerate over? Dang, I’ve had it wrong all these years. Come to think about it, I guess they’d call them “anti-speed bumps” if you were supposed to slow down.
D. This news item courtesy of our favorite correspondent from the U.K. A 37-year-old man ran afoul of the constabulary after taxiing a propeller-driven, two-seat aircraft (minus wings) through town to a pub. He explained that he had just bought the aircraft and was “taking it home” to the other side of town. He had just stopped at the pub along the way. Investigators discovered a fuel line hanging from the side of the aircraft. The line was attached to an unsecured gasoline can inside the cabin. When the man parked his wingless aircraft at the pub, he left the ignition on. He didn’t have a pilot’s license (then again, he wasn’t flying).
The roads were busy with cars and pedestrians during his jaunt. Personally, I’d knock a couple days off his sentence for providing so much expect-the-unexpected training for those other motorists.
2. That’s all for this week, comrades, see you next time.
If you missed last week ("Luckily, Most Mishaps Don’t Involve Luck"), here it is. Got a Funnies-worthy yarn or need to get something off your chest? We welcome your feedback: firstname.lastname@example.org. Read the author's blog, "Beyond the Friday Funnies." If you have a question about some of our odd terminology, become an insider by studying up on our Glossary. And if you have even more time on your hands, here's the exhibit list from the Summary of Mishaps Museum.